The Day I Lost My Best Friend

As I drifted off to sleep, I was jolted back to consciousness by the glowing blue-white light from
my cellphone’s screen illuminating my dark bedroom. Picking up my phone, my
heart felt a twinge of excitement as I read the screen: “One New Message from
Cameron Blake*.” My closest, dearest friend had sent me a message.
I shook the last remnants of sleep from my mind and clicked on my message icon.
I blinked sharply and tried to focus my vision- hoping it was just my
drowsiness causing me to read his message wrong. But it wasn’t. My heart began
to race as I re-read his message from the first letter to the last: “I’ve
realized I’m still crazy over Kelli*…” A warm flush of blood ran through my
whole body, and my previously racing heart seemed to freeze to a complete halt.
With those few words came the heart-wrenching realization that I was about to
lose my Cameron, my best friend.
Feeling a sense of panic, I asked him if we could meet
somewhere and talk. We decided to meet at Denny’s the next night after we each
got off work. The following day seemed to drag on. I was so anxious to talk to
him that I almost felt ill. My heart knew what was coming, but the hopeful part
of me was determined to cling to the belief that I knew Cameron better. Eventually
9:30 p.m. sauntered by. In a haze of emotion I found myself in the Denny’s
parking lot wishing I was anywhere but there. Walking through the doors of the
restaurant, I wondered how a place Cameron and I had been so many times together could
suddenly feel so intimidating. I used to love eating there with him; we would
sit and talk for hours while munching on our favorite breakfast foods. But this
time the sweet smell of pancakes and the sizzling sound of eggs being cooked in
the kitchen did nothing but turn my stomach sick. We sat in a booth positioned
by a table of three joking, playful college students and for a moment I envied
their light-heartedness.
After a couple minutes of strained small talk Cameron asked
what it was I wanted to talk about. “Are you sure you want to get back in a
relationship with her?” I tried to hide the pleading tone in my voice. Holding
my cold glass of barely sipped pineapple mango smoothie, I braced myself for
the answer. I felt scared and helpless to do anything but listen for the answer
that would determine the fate of our relationship. “I really think I do,” he
quietly answered. I wanted so badly to grab his hand and ask, “But what about us? You told me that you love me, and I love you too! Why can’t it be you and me
forever?” Instead I hid the tears welling up in my eyes and masked my pain with
a supportive smile. With watery eyes, I told him that I would always support
him choosing whatever made him the happiest. He explained to me that this
didn’t mean that he was “losing” me, but rather a way he could “keep me
forever.” All of it sounded nice, but my heart knew everything about our
relationship was about to change- everything that made it so unique and
wonderful.
I knew this meant no more late night drives alone simply
spent enjoying the other’s company, and the warmth, stability, and security I
no longer felt at home. No more sweet, innocent cuddling during the movies we
would go see together. And no more long hugs that magically made every stress
and fear in the world slowly fade away. His arms were the safest place on Earth
to me, and to know I had just lost that was enough to bring on a flood of
emotions and an aching sense of loss. After spending eleven months helping him
heal from the pain of his past breakup, he was severing the potential for us to
be “officially” a couple, and returning to the person he told me numerous times
had hurt him so badly.
“Is that all you wanted to talk about?” he asked inquisitively. I was snapped back to reality and pulled away from my thoughts with his question. I mustered up all my remaining strength and forced a weak smile. “Yeah, that was all,” I numbly replied. But the truth was that I wanted
to say so much more. I left Denny’s feeling like I still had a million and one
things I wanted to say, but had frozen from the fear of pouring my heart out
only to be misunderstood. As I pulled out of the parking lot, the tears I had
fought so fiercely to hold back came spilling over. I could barely contain my
crying, and after a few short minutes I didn’t even try. My sobs echoed through
the hollow corridor of my heart and reverberated the emptiness I felt inside…I
had lost my best friend whom I had fallen in love with.